How to prepare for giving tough feedback?

When leading a group, you’ll often encounter team members who aren’t improving, despite your best efforts to train, encourage, and invest time in them. When regular feedback sessions fail to yield desired results, you may reach a point where you’ve lost hope for the person’s growth. At this juncture, you’re left with two options: let the person go or offer a final chance with a stern warning. Both scenarios require a one-on-one meeting—a task many managers find daunting.

In some cases, there might be other reasons for difficult conversations. But one thing is certain: challenging discussions are inevitable, and managers need to be prepared for them. Unfortunately, managers often prefer to ignore the underperforming team member rather than engage in a difficult conversation, which is typically what happens.

Avoiding these hard conversations is detrimental to team health and hinders the development of crucial leadership skills. The good news is that a manager’s fears can be managed with some preparation. This is a skill that can be acquired with practice. Following a template in feedback meetings is helpful; if you haven’t read the chapter How to give feedback to your subordinate? please do—it provides a framework for conducting feedback sessions. Now, let’s explore strategies to prepare ourselves for these dreaded, difficult conversations.

You will try to help the person

Your intention should always be to help your subordinates, regardless of how difficult the conversation becomes or whether they agree with you or your decisions. Everyone deserves to know how they’re performing, what mistakes they’ve made, and how they can improve, no matter the severity of the problems. Fair and well-delivered feedback can accelerate team members’ growth, allowing them to make timely course corrections if they’re heading in the wrong direction. Sometimes, even firing someone can be a crucial step in their development—there’s no shame in doing so if it comes to that point. By delivering tough feedback, you’re doing them a service. They need to learn accountability, integrity, and how to own their mistakes. Consider this: if your subordinates keep making the same errors for years because no one told them to improve, aren’t you doing them a disservice by withholding that tough feedback?

You will focus on facts rather than opinions

Focus on facts and evidence rather than personal opinions. Base your conversation on indisputable data, not subjective impressions or personal differences. Avoid using personal comments or adjectives when addressing the person. For example, instead of saying, “Hey X, you didn’t present yourself well in yesterday’s client meeting, and your behavior was amateurish,” try, “Hey X, I’d like to discuss yesterday’s client meeting. We missed an opportunity, and I think you could benefit from some training to handle similar scenarios.”

Adjectives can trigger negative reactions, causing conversations to veer off course. You don’t want the discussion to lose focus on facts because your subordinate reacts emotionally to a poorly chosen word. This is a common pitfall that can turn a structured discussion into a chaotic dispute where emotions rule rather than facts. Therefore, stick to facts and evidence—they’re harder to contest and keep the conversation on track.

You will keep emotions under control

Remind yourself to keep your emotions in check during the feedback session. Stay calm and composed throughout the conversation, avoiding anger or agitation. Don’t let personal rivalries or other pressures influence you. Your responsibility extends beyond managing your own emotions—you must also help keep the other person calm to ensure a meaningful dialogue. Pay attention to how your subordinates respond, choose your words carefully, and if tensions rise, it’s your duty to maintain a cool atmosphere.

It’s common to find yourself managing meetings effectively while keeping your emotions in check, but your counterpart may lack experience in handling difficult conversations. In these situations, you must take on a more substantial role. Your task is to help the other person remain calm and composed, ensuring that the meeting achieves its real objective rather than descending into unproductive chaos.

You will have empathy

Remember that even if you don’t professionally like someone, they’re still human beings with needs for belonging, recognition, and respect. They have responsibilities outside work—to their families and society. Consider their health and personal circumstances; their poor performance might stem from these factors. Perhaps they need support in their personal life rather than at work. It’s entirely possible that a team member who was doing well a few months ago has recently started to show signs of poor performance because something isn’t right in their personal life. If you’re considering letting someone go, factor in their family responsibilities. Make sure you take all these aspects into account during your feedback session.

You will be professional, direct and respectful

Be professional in your feedback delivery to establish its seriousness. Conduct an official one-on-one meeting with your subordinate rather than delivering feedback via email or during casual encounters. Document the discussion properly and share it with all relevant stakeholders.

Be direct in your feedback. Clearly communicate the nature of the feedback you’re delivering to your subordinates. Avoid the common pitfall of sandwiching negative feedback between positive comments, as this often creates confusion. Present the feedback as it is—don’t hide behind a veil to make the delivery easier.

Be respectful and protect your subordinate’s dignity, regardless of the situation. Choose the time and place wisely for giving feedback. Never deliver negative feedback in front of others. Stick to the facts you’ve uncovered or information that cannot be refuted, and avoid speaking on behalf of others.

You will be willing to accept feedback and own your mistakes

Remember that giving feedback is as much about your growth as it is about theirs. It’s an opportunity to improve your skills in managing difficult situations, controlling your impulses, and treating people with respect and dignity, regardless of your differences. Always be open to receiving feedback as well. Listen carefully to what the other person says during the session. You might find that you also need guidance and mentoring.

You will be manage the situation, not the person

When conducting feedback sessions, many managers focus on a specific person rather than the situation. For example, they might say, “My teammate, X, failed to deliver work on time, causing us to lose a valuable client. We need to address X’s performance.” This approach places blame squarely on X. Consider this: if Y were in X’s position, would the problem statement change to “My teammate, Y, failed to deliver work on time, causing us to lose a client. We need to address Y’s performance.”? Would your response differ for Y? Moreover, how would you handle it if another team member, Z, made the same mistake in the future?

Blaming individuals is shortsighted. The real issue to tackle is: “How can we prevent late deliveries that risk losing valuable clients?” Reframing the problem this way puts the situation—not the person—at the centre of the conversation. This approach leads to more sustainable solutions. If you focus solely on an individual, the solution only lasts as long as that person remains on your team.

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